I sit here, slouched into the middle of a love seat, wracking my brain over what to write. Then I realized - the exact position in which I lay is the perfect topic.
Do More Reflecting
I've been in a weird place lately. A place full of busy-ness. A place full of work, and work thoughts, and work worry. But as I lay here I realize there is something more important than work, than relationships, than everything. That thing is reflection. My current space and time is where I need to think about my mistakes this past week, and how I can overcome them next week.
The Beauty of Mistakes
I fucked up - and I fucked up bad. I guess. I was sort of oblivious to it. Heck, I even thought it was good work. But I messed it up. I was called out for it - and had to own up to it immediately. Which I had no problem doing. The person who called me out was correct with every comment and I fell on my sword and agreed - because there was nowhere else to go. And the weird part was - it felt good. What didn't/doesn't feel good is waiting for the next hurtful e-mail to come through from them. That I'll have to figure out on my own. Regardless, I made a mistake, owned up to it, digested that feeling and have now realized I NEVER want to make a mistake - or one of that magnitude - ever again.
It's such a cliche. It's so watered down. But it's so true - and it'll never stop being true. Just like rules are meant to be broken, mistakes are meant to be made. It's an idea I've come to hold onto tightly because I'm sort of a dum-dum and make a lot of mistakes. But were I to not make those mistakes, I wouldn't be a better person. I wouldn't be a smarter person. I wouldn't be a more talented person.
My weekend was full of mostly damage control, night sweats, and constantly checking my phone for e-mail updates but I'm better for it. Going through all that murky, quicksand molasses of negative feedback, I know I'll want to avoid that path 100 times out of 100 in the future.
The Morning After
After I've owned up to something I've fucked up, I have this weird mistake hangover. I've only ever been hung over maybe 3 times because coffee > booze, so I barely remember what it feels like. It was this sort of haze of "did this get fixed? *quadruple checks*", never-ending-nail-biting, and deep sighs. I knew, too, that this hangover feeling was something I want to avoid in the future, much like the original mistake. I don't want to put my body through a continued state of stress simply because someone called me out on a mistake. Fix the issue. Confirm it's done. And move on. My biggest issue is wallowing in this constant state of "Fuck!". It's like wading in a hot swamp of self-doubt, where if you stop wading you'll drown. I don't want that. No one wants that. And fuck anything that will make you feel like that.
Conquer - and Move Forward
"Always Forward, Forward Always" is a term use often in the new Luke Cage series on Netflix. It's used in different context's throughout the show, but it's general meaning stays the same. The past is the past. The future is unknown. But do everything in your power to create your own future. By always having your eyes on the future, you can manipulate it however you want. I could choose to let this situation bother me.
I could continue to wallow in how hurtful their e-mails were. I could picture them saying these things to me via a Skype call.
Or, I could address the issues head on. I could own up to the mistakes that were made. I could address things that need to be fixed, fix them, and move on.
I'll choose to do the latter. Because I'm choosing to be in control of how I feel. I will not give that power to someone else.
How do you conquer reflecting? What does your internal voice say to you when you step back from a situation? Leave me a note in the comments below - I'd love your thoughts.